Clarifying the Rules.....Episode One

I wrote this initially last summer.....but never posted.  I have to fully disclose:  I am dating this "fella" again, and things are better...but the rules are still poignant and serve as a reminder to me that things have to end before they get that bad again.



Rules are tough to follow.  Some of the rules below may seem like they'd be easy to follow, but when you are 42 and live near a city area you are going to repeatedly encounter men who would force you to break these rules.
These particular rules (1,2, and 3) are all the result of my last long-term relationship this past May - Feb 2014-15.

1. Make sure he has a car (whether you live in a city or not)

To be fair, he did have a car when we started dating.  Since he lived in VA it would not have been possible to start dating if he did not have a vehicle.  But, he totaled his car and things got tricky.  He couldn't really afford to buy a new car at the time (because of rules 2 and 3, more on that later), so he decided not to.  His mother then bought a vehicle that he was able to share with her, but he wouldn't borrow it to come up to MD to see me (hmm) because he felt weird borrowing his mother's car for that.  Even though, prior to his accident, he was the only one with a car and his mother would borrow it any time she chose to.
Living in the DC area, a lot of men do not have a vehicle.  I will not date them.  I am not going to drive into DC or drive to the METRO every time I want to go out on a date, and I am not going to pick your ass up at the METRO, which is still 25 minutes away from me, and then drop you off at the end of the night.  And, then considering the METRO schedule and how it dictates a date (trains only run until a certain time on weekdays)....I choose NO.
The lack of a consistent vehicle became an obstacle in our relationship and it caused other issues to surface which brought the relationship to an end.

2.  Make sure he does not live with his mother/make sure he lives alone

Again, when we started dating, he lived with a roommate in VA.  But, that quickly changed.  For financial reasons (related to rule 3), he chose to move in with his mother to save money.  Which I can totally understand, but I will no longer date you if that is the case.
Here are the complications.  You can never stay at his place.  And, sometimes I like to be the one to leave, to make the decision to head home.  And, considering rule 1, if he is staying at your place, you are probably driving his ass home or to the METRO.  So, you can't even sleep in and just let him head out the door.  How many Sunday morning/afternoons do you want to be doing that.....let me tell you, NONE.  I did it way too many times, and then it just got irritating.  
Not only that, but really, if you're helping your mother with expenses, why not find a roommate situation that alleviates your financial obligations?  If you're willing to live with your mother, you must be willing to live with 1-2 roommates.  And, I'd feel comfortable staying over with them.

So, you don't have a car and you're living with your mom.  You'd think that would be a huge $$$ bonus.  NOPE.  Let's look at rule 3.

3.  Make sure he does not have children that live in another state

If you can't find someone who has no children or GROWN children, then just don't.  Seriously. Crazy ex's are just that, crazy.  And, he will be beholden to her FOREVER!!!!

With the End in Sight.......

The end, dear friends, is in sight.
In less than one week, I will turn in my dissertation.
In less than one month, I will have defended.
In less than two months, I will have graduated.

Sigh.

There are many things I've learned along the way:
1.  Having a writing partner or a partner for any task is integral to its completion.
2.  Sharing interests with said partner, like black jelly beans, is a bonus.
3.  We all have our own "junk" that we have to mediate in order to complete a project.
4.  Comparing yourself to anyone else is, frankly, stupid.
5.  You will piss off a lot of people along the way.
6.  Said people can be apologized to, and, if they really care about you, will forgive you.
7.  You may lose friendships along the way.
8.  Your family will constantly ask when your "paper" is going to be done.
9.  You will love your family even though they have absolutely no concept of what it is like to do a project of this magnitude.
10.  You will never want to write about or really research this topic again.
11.  You will have countless "interesting" coffee shop experiences that must be chronicled.
12.  One of these experiences will be overhearing a 70 year old man tell his "date" that he'd like a blow job as repayment for paying for lunch.

More later.  Chapters beckon.

Observations in a new coffee house :)

Today, I am visiting the new Laurel coffee house, More Than Java.  It's a little place on Main Street, but the atmosphere seems nice so far.

Some things I often wonder when in coffee houses:
1.  Why do people come in and say they don't really like coffee but as long as there is cream and sugar they can make it work?  Who is  making you come in and drink coffee?
2.  A lot of attractive men drink coffee :)

Some Rules of Engagement....Lest I Forget the Painful Past

Dear Dating or Non-Dating Friends (if you're the non-dater, lucky you),

In an effort to continue to make you ask "Is she serious?" I write this blog about dating.  I know it's been a while, but I've been saving my stories, dear friends.  Saving them, in order to create this "list." Now, those who know me, know that I would/could never abide by "The Rules" created by those women who are living in a bizarre perfect past world.....but here is my very own set of rules, gleaned from my experiences (and some of those from my friends).

Now, some of these rules are more applicable to the 40 something woman who is dating and there are a lot more things to consider than when you were 20 or even 30.

1.  Make sure he has a car (whether you live in a city or not)
2.  Make sure he does not live with his mother/make sure he lives alone
3.  Make sure he does not have children that live in another state
4.  Make sure he is not homophobic
5.  Make sure he doesn't say he wants an independent woman, but that he actually does want an independent woman
6.  Make sure he's not the kind of guy who runs when you don't tell him what he wants to hear.
7.  Make sure he is not a hot and heavy communicator who is going to go MIA at all intervals and expect it not to be a problem
8.  Make sure that sarcasm is not going to be taken as a personal attack to his manhood
9.  Make sure he is capable of paying for the bill (even if you don't expect it every time)
10. Make sure he is not in love with his penis.

Now, over the next few weeks I will endeavor to account for each of these "Rules," providing the backstory and the importance of the lesson learned.

Hiatus over

Omg. It's been 4 years?  Really?  Let's remedy that!!!!

Happy Birthday from OK Cupid - What a Great Start to a New Year!

This morning I awoke to find the following email from OK Cupid in my inbox.....Oh, OKCupid, you know just what I need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	Happy Birthday, (my profile name)! Still single? Come check out your matches and find the men who want to meet you for your birthday! Click here to find your birthday matches! Happy day! -OkCupid

Still single?  Yes, of course I am......Haven't you seen the matches you've been sending me?  I know they are much improved over the earlier matches, but come on!

I think OK Cupid has gotten to know me so well.  These men are truly beginning to match what I have asked for in a partner.  A few of my favorite profile names, pics and intros from this week's matches:

                                                              CLARKKENT2011
Seriously?  Yes, the fact that I actually specifically talk about being fit in my profile obviously doesn't seem to matter.  However, he could be more fit than his picture lets on.............

                                                    FIRST_BASE...............
because that's probably as far as he's ever gotten??????????  His bowl haircut shows me that he is thrifty or is that cheap?  Hmmmmm.

                                                              LATINO TIGER....
who apparently doesn't know how to turn his picture right side up (they're all that way)

                                                   SIXTHREEMD.............

let's clarify that MD means Maryland, not Medical Doctor.  His profile intro starts out with:  This is where people describe thereselves...............wow.  OK Cupid you know me so well!

I wonder if my "birthday matches," the men who want to meet me for my birthday (because I should give that special day to a stranger, right?) will be especially terrific.........let's find out:

1.  ObscureOblique - His self-summary, if his profile name isn't odd enough -

Generally, when I feel obligated to do something, like write a self-summary, my first reaction is not to do it. It's not that I am a rebel, it's just that I'm obstinate.

Well, let me just sign on for a relationship with him?  I don't want any man that I date to feel obligated to do anything.  God forbid he actually feel like he wants to tell me about himself in a dating profile.  How can this be your self-summary?  Really?  This is it?  This is all about you?  What you want in life?  So, all I need to know is that you're NOT a rebel, but you are OBSTINATE.  Somehow, obstinate is not what I am wanting!  I think I'd prefer the rebel.

2.  MATHBOXERS - First, the obligatory bathroom shot of himself and he obviously doesn't understand the looking up part.....Next, His own explanation for the profile name -
Oh, and why 'mathboxers'? Years ago at Penn State I had to come up with a username. So I figured, "Hey, I like math, and I wear boxers." It stuck.
Well, I like sushi and I wear a bra, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make my profile name SushiBra - just think of the implications.........Or how about IceCreamHat or maybe ChocolateTampon..............those might work.  Sigh.


OKCupid you have been especially generous to me on this, my birthday.  Thank you. 


I'm going to save some for the next blog, but just wanted to start my new year off by giving my friends at OK Cupid a shout out for such fabulous work this past year!  You rock!

And don't worry, if I'm still single next year, I'll look forward to the birthday card that reminds me that you still haven't sent me any matches that actually fit my profile parameters!

For now, I believe I will stay on OK Cupid just to provide some levity in the lives of friends :)
Happy New Year and Happy Dating to all my friends!!!!!!!!

Communication from OKCupid gives me something to LIVE FOR!

I recently received an email from OKCupid whose subject title reads:   Subject:  (OKCupid Code Name) we have data on your attractiveness! Here is the message in its entirety: (okcupid code name): We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know. How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver. . . . Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results. This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. . . . Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see. So, I have to say, I feel so much better about myself now.............once in a slump, worried that men on OKCupid were not interested in me, I have had my ego bolstered by the random tiny clicks of a mouse on star-ratings on OKCupid! I think the most exciting part of this was that I would "now start seeing more attractive men" in my match section.  Apparently, i was unworthy of seeing attractive men prior to the ratings that I received from "said-men."  And, equally as important, I would now be sent to "more attractive men" as a possible match for them.  Thank you, OKCupid!  Thank you Thank you.   Then I thought, do I have an ugly friend who is using OkCupid that I could verify these results with?  Hmmmmm.  My dear friends, I don't think I have any ugly friends........perhaps I could find an "ugly" woman on OkCupid and send her a message that asks her if she's received the same wonderful email? Well, having been told that i would now be receiving more attractive me in my "Quiver" of matches.....now, let's stop and consider this word "quiver."  At first I did not think of the bow and arrow quiver, you know, like a quiver full of arrows (fairly archaic language not often used any more).  I thought of the verb quiver - like, "He makes me quiver!"  A very exciting prospect.  But, what I was receiving in my quiver was more like a shiver and I was hoping that NOW, maybe, I would receive some quiver-worthy men in this quiver of mine................huh. Let me first say that the "quality" of men in my quiver and my match column did improve, but one can judge for oneself by viewing the pictures below, pictures that are an improvement on some of what I had already been receiving. Medieval Times Guy Hagrid from Harry Potter Guy Guy who for some reason is fully clothed in the pool My favorite, Medusa Guy Now, ladies, I know what you must be thinking..............some of these men have the potential to be "attractive."  But, I am just going on the pictures that they themselves have decided to use in their profiles.  Oh, that's not what you were thinking? Then, perhaps you were thinking how it is that these could be an improvement over what I had been receiving?  How could it be worse?  It was...... I will say, to OkCupid's credit, there have been some actual "better looking men" that I've received recently.  And, they actually seem like decent guys who have jobs who are fit and who can communicate (I have been in touch with a few).......... I will refrain from posting them here, lest I am ever in a "relationship" with one of them and he happens to see this blog, lol. For now, I just want to thank OkCupid for giving me that little boost of confidence that I needed to get over the hump...........and, calling all ugly girls, have you received an email from OkCupid too?