I wrote this initially last summer.....but never posted. I have to fully disclose: I am dating this "fella" again, and things are better...but the rules are still poignant and serve as a reminder to me that things have to end before they get that bad again.
Rules are tough to follow. Some of the rules below may seem like they'd be easy to follow, but when you are 42 and live near a city area you are going to repeatedly encounter men who would force you to break these rules.
These particular rules (1,2, and 3) are all the result of my last long-term relationship this past May - Feb 2014-15.
1. Make sure he has a car (whether you live in a city or not)
To be fair, he did have a car when we started dating. Since he lived in VA it would not have been possible to start dating if he did not have a vehicle. But, he totaled his car and things got tricky. He couldn't really afford to buy a new car at the time (because of rules 2 and 3, more on that later), so he decided not to. His mother then bought a vehicle that he was able to share with her, but he wouldn't borrow it to come up to MD to see me (hmm) because he felt weird borrowing his mother's car for that. Even though, prior to his accident, he was the only one with a car and his mother would borrow it any time she chose to.
Living in the DC area, a lot of men do not have a vehicle. I will not date them. I am not going to drive into DC or drive to the METRO every time I want to go out on a date, and I am not going to pick your ass up at the METRO, which is still 25 minutes away from me, and then drop you off at the end of the night. And, then considering the METRO schedule and how it dictates a date (trains only run until a certain time on weekdays)....I choose NO.
The lack of a consistent vehicle became an obstacle in our relationship and it caused other issues to surface which brought the relationship to an end.
2. Make sure he does not live with his mother/make sure he lives alone
Again, when we started dating, he lived with a roommate in VA. But, that quickly changed. For financial reasons (related to rule 3), he chose to move in with his mother to save money. Which I can totally understand, but I will no longer date you if that is the case.
Here are the complications. You can never stay at his place. And, sometimes I like to be the one to leave, to make the decision to head home. And, considering rule 1, if he is staying at your place, you are probably driving his ass home or to the METRO. So, you can't even sleep in and just let him head out the door. How many Sunday morning/afternoons do you want to be doing that.....let me tell you, NONE. I did it way too many times, and then it just got irritating.
Not only that, but really, if you're helping your mother with expenses, why not find a roommate situation that alleviates your financial obligations? If you're willing to live with your mother, you must be willing to live with 1-2 roommates. And, I'd feel comfortable staying over with them.
So, you don't have a car and you're living with your mom. You'd think that would be a huge $$$ bonus. NOPE. Let's look at rule 3.
3. Make sure he does not have children that live in another state
If you can't find someone who has no children or GROWN children, then just don't. Seriously. Crazy ex's are just that, crazy. And, he will be beholden to her FOREVER!!!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
With the End in Sight.......
The end, dear friends, is in sight.
In less than one week, I will turn in my dissertation.
In less than one month, I will have defended.
In less than two months, I will have graduated.
Sigh.
There are many things I've learned along the way:
1. Having a writing partner or a partner for any task is integral to its completion.
2. Sharing interests with said partner, like black jelly beans, is a bonus.
3. We all have our own "junk" that we have to mediate in order to complete a project.
4. Comparing yourself to anyone else is, frankly, stupid.
5. You will piss off a lot of people along the way.
6. Said people can be apologized to, and, if they really care about you, will forgive you.
7. You may lose friendships along the way.
8. Your family will constantly ask when your "paper" is going to be done.
9. You will love your family even though they have absolutely no concept of what it is like to do a project of this magnitude.
10. You will never want to write about or really research this topic again.
11. You will have countless "interesting" coffee shop experiences that must be chronicled.
12. One of these experiences will be overhearing a 70 year old man tell his "date" that he'd like a blow job as repayment for paying for lunch.
More later. Chapters beckon.
In less than one week, I will turn in my dissertation.
In less than one month, I will have defended.
In less than two months, I will have graduated.
Sigh.
There are many things I've learned along the way:
1. Having a writing partner or a partner for any task is integral to its completion.
2. Sharing interests with said partner, like black jelly beans, is a bonus.
3. We all have our own "junk" that we have to mediate in order to complete a project.
4. Comparing yourself to anyone else is, frankly, stupid.
5. You will piss off a lot of people along the way.
6. Said people can be apologized to, and, if they really care about you, will forgive you.
7. You may lose friendships along the way.
8. Your family will constantly ask when your "paper" is going to be done.
9. You will love your family even though they have absolutely no concept of what it is like to do a project of this magnitude.
10. You will never want to write about or really research this topic again.
11. You will have countless "interesting" coffee shop experiences that must be chronicled.
12. One of these experiences will be overhearing a 70 year old man tell his "date" that he'd like a blow job as repayment for paying for lunch.
More later. Chapters beckon.
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