Online dating is like the prize in the Cracker Jack box......you're never quite sure what you're going to get and most of them are just disappointing and pretty useless.
Last night was no exception. As a general rule, I now refuse to waste my time with weeks of endless chitter chatter online, creating a fictitious version of the "man" that I am going to date before I have given him "face time." This only reinforces unrealistic expectations and causes more excruciating disappointments when the inevitable happens.
Now, I'm not saying that every date is bad or painful.....some are tolerable.
Today begins a period of time in my blog in which I will focus on online dating, highs and lows, dos and don'ts, pros and cons. Today, I begin with the mediocre date.....the one that makes you feel bad about never calling back or finally having to write that very clear email stating that you felt nothing or see no future.
Last night I met up with "R" at a sports bar near my house. Mind you, I had never been there before, and neither had he. In retrospect, not a good idea. And in further retrospect, I should have known when the "bar" had no website that it might be a less than stellar location to meet up. However, it was his suggestion, and I trusted that he had done his "leg-work" in finding out about the place. Not so.
I arrived at the AASB a little before 8pm and was immediately thankful that I had worn nothing more than jeans and a t-shirt and a jacket. I stood out. I stood out not only because I was about 15 years younger than most of the patrons, but because my hair was actually combed and I looked like I had actually bathed in the last 3 days.
I stood out because when I smiled at the female bartender, I had all of my teeth with which to do so. I stood out because I was not counting my change in my pockets to see if I could have "just one more beer."
In the dark lighting of the bar (and that's all it was, a bar, no food to speak of, unless one considers the snack bags of chips, peanuts and cheese crackers displayed behind the bar for sale as food to be consumed on a date), I sat on my stool patiently waiting for "R."
Now, this is not to say that I haven't been to bars of this type before, but I'm pretty sure that was in the late 1990s and I was a college student or early 20something with little money and lots of friends to hang out with, which kept the rest of the atmosphere from being less than desirable.
I have also encountered these bars in parts of Pennsylvania where I have relatives who frequent these types of establishments, drinking heavily, smoking, and playing pool. While I am not averse to pool, a table that actually has all of its legs and is not propped up by cinderblocks is preferable, and pool sticks that are not gnawed on the edges would be nice.
Is it too much to ask that I don't have beer seeping into the sleeve of my shirt when I bend over to take a shot?
I had suggested Bonefish to meet for a drink at the bar.....and should have known when he chose otherwise that it might not be an ideal situation.
"R" eventually arrives after he bi-passes the location -which should not be surprising since it has no official sign that is visible and is in a building that looks like it belongs to the auto garage next door.
"R" had described himself as the owner of a landscaping company, a former restaurant owner, and a semi-pro baseball player. One would wonder then why "R" is so out of shape, looks like he is about49 instead of 39 and drinks Coors Light. Nitpicky you say? Forgive me then, a clearer explanation may be in order......
"R" is wearing the short sleeved dress shirt that is at least a size too big, tucked into overly washed and fagged out jeans that are at least 2 sizes too big, belted with a belt that is so tight his stomach paunch is hanging over the waistband and belt struggling to get out of his shirt, which is missing buttons.
His hair, while thinning, is also teased for fullness, sticking out in unnatural directions, and he looks like one who has had a particularly rough life, or who had been up all night drinking beer and chain smoking cigarettes, blood shot eyes and all. My father used to say that people looked like they had been "ridden hard and put up wet" and I would say that's a fair description of "R."
Glad to see "R" enter however, as I had been forced into conversing with Three Tooth Tim for more than 15 minutes after he continually poked me from behind at the bar and insisted that I needed company, I immediately began to consume my beer much faster than I ever would.
Feeling badly, however, that he had driven 30-35 minutes to meet up near my place of residence, I felt that a 30-45 minute date would be inappropriate. I stuck it out for about an hour and a half, conversing about meaningless topics (animals, beer, construction - oh yes, ladies construction talk, so exciting, semi-pro baseball and the ways in which he watches baseball differently because he's a player).
While "R" professed his lack of commonality with those around us, I couldn't help but feel that he would feel right at home at AASB. His teeth, which were a little jagged and well spaced-out, were only part of what provides the foundation for my assumption (and teeth are very important to me, perhaps more important than anything else).
The evening ended and I did the "walk out the door while keeping great distances between the two of you thing," hopefully making it clear that I was not all the interested romantically.
But, alas, today I get the infamous email....."I had a great time. You are so fun to hang out with. I really look forward to seeing you again.....let me know when you're available" and I had to send the inevitable...."It was nice to finally meet you. To be honest, I don't believe that we are romantically suited for one another. Best of luck" email in response.
These are the moments that I feel bad. "R" had not done anything particularly wrong, except to present himself as a man who is in better shape than he is and to have pictures on his profile that are misleading and obviously not as representative as they should be. But, he's a nice enough guy, even if he does wear the short sleeved dress shirts that my father wears...
Lessons to Learn for Women:
1. Always ask for more pictures than what they have posted online (once you get to contact stage). Be firm about it and don't accept a no. This could save you a lot of time and energy.
2. Lesson 1 will also mean that you do not go on a date with a man who doesn't have a picture of himself smiling. There is usually a reason for that (he's an angry bitter type, he doesn't have much personality, or most likely, bad teeth).
3. Never assume a man who is an athlete is actually in shape.
4. Never go somewhere where neither of you have ever been.
5. Never go somewhere that doesn't have a website. You are good enough to deserve a web-site worthy restaurant or bar/tav.
6. When you arrive at the AASB and see the clientele, just leave, you know the date is not going to bode well at that point (this might be questionable based on your ethics)
Lessons to Learn for Men:
1. Post pictures of yourself that are clear and close up, so that women can really see what you look like. Your pictures with your dog are great, but not if the dog's snout is in your face and we can't see you.
2. Post pictures with a smile. Be honest about who you are. And, perhaps if you don't have smiley pictures, get the teeth looked at in order to get some smiley pictures.
3. Don't ask a woman out and have no idea where the place is that you're going or what kind of place it is. No one wants to go somewhere that is out of their comfort zone on a first date.
4. Wear clothing that fits. Baggy clothes don't hide, they only make you look worse.
5. Shave before you come on a date and get a good night's sleep. Make a good impression.
6. When you walk into your place of choice and it seems to be a less than stellar locale, don't expect your date to be there.
