Oh Marilla, How Much You Miss

Happy Birthday from OK Cupid - What a Great Start to a New Year!

2011-01-04T08:10:00.000-08:00

This morning I awoke to find the following email from OK Cupid in my inbox.....Oh, OKCupid, you know just what I need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday, (my profile name)!
Still single? Come check out your matches and find the men who want to meet you for your birthday! Click here to find your birthday matches!

Happy day!

-OkCupid

Still single? Yes, of course I am......Haven't you seen the matches you've been sending me? I know they are much improved over the earlier matches, but come on!

I think OK Cupid has gotten to know me so well. These men are truly beginning to match what I have asked for in a partner. A few of my favorite profile names, pics and intros from this week's matches:

CLARKKENT2011
Seriously? Yes, the fact that I actually specifically talk about being fit in my profile obviously doesn't seem to matter. However, he could be more fit than his picture lets on.............

FIRST_BASE...............
because that's probably as far as he's ever gotten?????????? His bowl haircut shows me that he is thrifty or is that cheap? Hmmmmm.

LATINO TIGER....
who apparently doesn't know how to turn his picture right side up (they're all that way)

SIXTHREEMD.............

let's clarify that MD means Maryland, not Medical Doctor. His profile intro starts out with: This is where people describe thereselves...............wow. OK Cupid you know me so well!

I wonder if my "birthday matches," the men who want to meet me for my birthday (because I should give that special day to a stranger, right?) will be especially terrific.........let's find out:

1. ObscureOblique - His self-summary, if his profile name isn't odd enough -

Generally, when I feel obligated to do something, like write a self-summary, my first reaction is not to do it. It's not that I am a rebel, it's just that I'm obstinate.

Well, let me just sign on for a relationship with him? I don't want any man that I date to feel obligated to do anything. God forbid he actually feel like he wants to tell me about himself in a dating profile. How can this be your self-summary? Really? This is it? This is all about you? What you want in life? So, all I need to know is that you're NOT a rebel, but you are OBSTINATE. Somehow, obstinate is not what I am wanting! I think I'd prefer the rebel.

2. MATHBOXERS - First, the obligatory bathroom shot of himself and he obviously doesn't understand the looking up part.....Next, His own explanation for the profile name -
Oh, and why 'mathboxers'? Years ago at Penn State I had to come up with a username. So I figured, "Hey, I like math, and I wear boxers." It stuck.
Well, I like sushi and I wear a bra, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make my profile name SushiBra - just think of the implications.........Or how about IceCreamHat or maybe ChocolateTampon..............those might work. Sigh.

OKCupid you have been especially generous to me on this, my birthday. Thank you.

I'm going to save some for the next blog, but just wanted to start my new year off by giving my friends at OK Cupid a shout out for such fabulous work this past year! You rock!

And don't worry, if I'm still single next year, I'll look forward to the birthday card that reminds me that you still haven't sent me any matches that actually fit my profile parameters!

For now, I believe I will stay on OK Cupid just to provide some levity in the lives of friends :)
Happy New Year and Happy Dating to all my friends!!!!!!!!

Communication from OKCupid gives me something to LIVE FOR!

2010-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

I recently received an email from OKCupid whose subject title reads:

Subject: (OKCupid Code Name) we have data on your attractiveness!

Here is the message in its entirety:

(okcupid code name):

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

. . .

Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

. . .

Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

So, I have to say, I feel so much better about myself now.............once in a slump, worried that men on OKCupid were not interested in me, I have had my ego bolstered by the random tiny clicks of a mouse on star-ratings on OKCupid!

I think the most exciting part of this was that I would "now start seeing more attractive men" in my match section. Apparently, i was unworthy of seeing attractive men prior to the ratings that I received from "said-men." And, equally as important, I would now be sent to "more attractive men" as a possible match for them. Thank you, OKCupid! Thank you Thank you.

Then I thought, do I have an ugly friend who is using OkCupid that I could verify these results with? Hmmmmm. My dear friends, I don't think I have any ugly friends........perhaps I could find an "ugly" woman on OkCupid and send her a message that asks her if she's received the same wonderful email?

Well, having been told that i would now be receiving more attractive me in my "Quiver" of matches.....now, let's stop and consider this word "quiver." At first I did not think of the bow and arrow quiver, you know, like a quiver full of arrows (fairly archaic language not often used any more). I thought of the verb quiver - like, "He makes me quiver!" A very exciting prospect. But, what I was receiving in my quiver was more like a shiver and I was hoping that NOW, maybe, I would receive some quiver-worthy men in this quiver of mine................huh.

Let me first say that the "quality" of men in my quiver and my match column did improve, but one can judge for oneself by viewing the pictures below, pictures that are an improvement on some of what I had already been receiving.

Medieval Times Guy

Hagrid from Harry Potter Guy

Guy who for some reason is fully clothed in the pool


My favorite, Medusa Guy

Now, ladies, I know what you must be thinking..............some of these men have the potential to be "attractive." But, I am just going on the pictures that they themselves have decided to use in their profiles. Oh, that's not what you were thinking?

Then, perhaps you were thinking how it is that these could be an improvement over what I had been receiving? How could it be worse? It was......

I will say, to OkCupid's credit, there have been some actual "better looking men" that I've received recently. And, they actually seem like decent guys who have jobs who are fit and who can communicate (I have been in touch with a few)..........

I will refrain from posting them here, lest I am ever in a "relationship" with one of them and he happens to see this blog, lol.

For now, I just want to thank OkCupid for giving me that little boost of confidence that I needed to get over the hump...........and, calling all ugly girls, have you received an email from OkCupid too?

Break's over..................maybe.

2010-10-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

So, it's been 3 months since I posted..................why so long, you ask? Because I haven't gone on a date in that period of time.....by CHOICE! I needed a break. So did you, admit it :) One can only take so much of my "dating stories" before you just have to wonder if there is, indeed, something wrong with me? That's what I was contemplating these past couple of months. And, I've come to the conclusion that, while I may have some issues, the stories I've told are NOT the result of my issues :)

Two things bring me back:

1. Today, my "ex" friended me on facebook? WHAT?????????????????????????? Yes, you read that correctly, my ex, who talked of marriage, love, blah blah blah, decides after two years (a wife and a child now) to "friend" me on facebook? How does that happen, guys, how? What it is that clicks in your brain that says, hey, it's okay to friend her on facebook now. Maybe she wants to know that I'm married and have a baby. Yeh, yeh, she'll definitely want to know all about my life after I effectually destroyed hers!
I thought I had moved on..........I mean, two years is a long time. And, I was finally able to look at his artwork on my kitchen wall and not really think about him at all, but the enjoyment that I felt at looking at the artwork.
That artwork is now in the garbage dumpster of my condo complex. Trashpickers alert! Some great artwork in Annapolis just waiting to be rescued from the last trashcan on the right! I realized today that while I had successfully avoided the complex feelings I still carry regarding that "relationship," I was only avoiding it because I was actully "avoiding" anything that would remind me of him or it - I hid all of my FB friends that are friends with him, so I wouldn't have to see anything related to his life or the people who shared in our lives. I had gotten rid of everything, except that DAMN artwork. Well, now it is gone.....I wish I could safely and legally set fire to it somewhere....maybe I'd feel better. Maybe.
When I sent a message (after ignoring his friend request) asking why he was friending me, his response was "oops sorry" WTF. You can't friend someone on accident on facebook. You have to actually be on their profile page to select the button that says "friend request." Don't we all know this? So, how does an "oops sorry" explain anything. Why are you looking at my profile page? Really? Why? My response, "What an ass. Thanks for drudging up old wounds....." Done. Deleted. Some might say that this "gives him power." I call bullshit on that perspective. He's an ass. He should be told he's an ass.

2. After the emotional trauma of being "friended" I did what I always do when I am feeling emotionally vulnerable, I went looking at online dating sites. hahahahahahahahaha. Yes, a bizarre coping tactic, but effective nonetheless. This way I don't eat the box of brownie mix sitting on my shelf or the macaroni and cheese or gorge on chocolate/caramel treats or a bottle of wine or 6 pack of beer, or.......any of the other number of things that we all tend to do.

I prefer instead to have a good laugh at the people who are on online dating sites (yes, I was and kind of am one of them), but I enjoy looking at the pictures that people think are going to get them "anywhere." Today, I peeked at OK cupid....danger, danger, Will Robinson!

A few of the best:

Now, we've had this discussion before, blog readers!
Violation #1: You are taking a picture of yourself with your cell phone in a mirror.
Violation #2: This picture is being taken in a bathroom mirror.
Violation #3: This picture is being taken in a "PUBLIC BATHROOM MIRROR."

What are you thinking, Mr. Okay Cupid? I can see the toilet just behind the cracked stall door to your right, our left...............This is just disturbing on so many levels!!!!!!!

I think someone needs to remind this guy that it's 2010. Although, I'm sure that all of the "historical re-enactment women" are just clamoring over his brute masculinity and his ability to "grow hair" which indicates to all of us women that this man is a CATCH!

This man apparently thinks that HE IS THE CITY! Or, maybe he's hiding somewhere inside one of those buildings......doing the whole "guess which person I am in this photo" thing that so many of you do! (this is his profile photo and the only photo he provides). What I especially like is his self summary that says "I'm an over-educated and under-appreciated male in this urban environment." Definitely one to run after ladies!

Ummmm, I'm not really sure what to say about this one. Trying to show his soft side? A symbolic effort to tell us he can "stop and smell the roses, I mean, flowers, uh....." Just comes off as a bit creepy and weird to me.
AND.......the piece de resistance..............

(No commentary necessary).

So, now that I have cheered myself up by reaffirming the fact that what is out there is probably not worth me stressing over and definitely not worth me "desiring"...............I leave to my readers to vote on their "fav" pic of the day :)
Considering another stint in dating, readers, just to provide you with more belly-laughing stories to entertain and delight you! (Tara and Leanne have asked, hahahaha).

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't believe in texting before the 10th date!

2010-07-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

That will be my standard reply from now on to any many who tries to text me instead of calling me at any point before our 10th date.
Why have I not written more about K--- from my previous entry? Because of the possibility of possibility? Well, more likely because deep in the recesses of my mind I knew there was going to be some kind of something that would go wrong.....he was just too right. Had he only been able to communicate more effectively, I think this could have gone somewhere.....I don't know where, but somewhere.
This entry will hopefully teach a lesson that many men and women need to learn when dating - BEWARE THE SERIAL TEXTER (whether male or female).
The serial texter seems to be a staple amongst my girlfriends and their dating "issues" these days. The man who, rather than call and make plans, sends a series of text messages. The man who, when texting, says little to nothing that is really substantial and answers in 5 words or less. The man who fails to respond to a text that you've sent, but then the next day sends a random text that says "good morning." How does one rationalize this as communication? Texting is not connection, people!
What is the purpose of this texting style I ask? What? Is it to give just enough rope for women to hang themselves? Just enough interest to keep someone hanging on out of hopes that there will be another "actual" date someday?
Explain to me how a man who tells you to your face that he really likes you.....has two dates with you in one day.....and who you know is genuinely interested during your face-to-face date-time turns into the "serial texter" from hell.
And, when confronted claims to not be playing games......serial random texting, no actual phone calls and a failure to schedule another date within 2 weeks time (whether you have your child in the intermediate weekend or not) STINKS of game-playing to me.
So, gentlemen, avoid the text. Make the phone call. Schedule the second/third date in a timely fashion. Or, women are going to pretty much think that you aren't really as interested as you claimed to be and are, hopefully, going to call you on your B.S. I know I won't hesitate to do so from now on......
And, I will be spending some time contemplating my own judgment skills. I used to be willing to give this type of man the boot immediately without looking back, but then I found myself being criticized by others for being too judgmental, too hasty, having too high of expectations too early on in a dating situation. But, I'm starting to believe that those heightened skills of dismissal are what have kept me sane in the world of dating, as opposed to living in a world where I am constantly confused about random communication and non-committal messages that are being sent, via text, email, or phone. I am going to dig back to my previous layers of armor, enact the walls once again, and if I am single, so be it. At least I'm single and drama-free and not feeling like I've made yet another bad judgment and wasted yet another couple weeks of my life on a "man" who didn't deserve or really "want" my time from the start.
p.s. I'd like to think that K--- has some really good reason for doing a 180 in terms of attention and communication. I'd like to think that he would be gentleman enough to call and explain that, but I'd probably just get another text - in 5 words or less - that said pretty much nothing. But, a little part of me hopes that my initial "read" on K--- wasn't wrong, if not for my own sense of self-other perception, but for the fact that he did really seem like a great guy who was a gentleman. He did. :(

Hesitation comes from Possibility.....

2010-07-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh - an alleviation from a string of not great dates this year......but I haven't written about it. I keep asking myself why.
Why do I always hesitate to write about the good date, the great date? For fear of ruining the "karma" associated with said date? For fear of actually talking about it and ruining it? For fear of developing expectations that I have no right to have? Probably all of the above.
So, I'm going to go against protocol and write about my recent "great date" with K---
K--- appears to be the complete package, ladies, I know, I know.
1. Smart
2. Handsome
3. Employed
4. Family man
5. Good listener and conversationalist
6. Gentleman
7. Great smile!
8. In great shape at 43!
The list could go on, but.....some things I like I'd like to keep to myself for now ;)
What more could I ask for, right? Right? Right! I have nothing to ask for, except that I have the opportunity to see K--- many more times this summer...
I only ask not to be disappointed.
Hopefully, more coming on this one....

This One Was Too Good Not to Share!!!!!!!!

2010-05-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, below I have posted perhaps the most intriguing and maybe disturbing and fascinating and unnerving profile that I have found to date on Plenty of Fish:
HIs headline says: She Gets Her Way - Looking for a Total Control Freak
Now, while many of you who know me very well might say - This is the guy you are looking for, hahahaha, I am not sure I could REALLY respect a man who let me have total control in a control freak sort of way. We all know a man has to "have a set" to really get anywhere with me :)
Enjoy the read, but let me know if you think he's really looking for some kink or something and is just using "euphemistic phrasing." If so, wow, someone needs a woman in black leather boots with a whip and the need to be called "madam" For enough money.......no, just kidding!:

New to Philadelphia, new to online dating. Looking for a truly exceptional woman who expects to be treated as a Goddess.

I'm looking for a long-term, loving relationship with a completely domineering, demanding, and controlling woman. Okay, maybe that describes most women, but I'm not looking for your average control-freak. I'm looking for someone who needs unquestioned control over any and everything in our lives. She is the boss, she's challenging, and when a disagreement arises she expects that I will acquiesce. This isn't about sex, it's about day to day life and the way the whole of the relationship works.

I'm 39 yo, tall, shaved head, fit/thin, professional, confident, successful, divorced. I recently moved to Philadelphia after a number of years in the desert Southwest. I love my career and love my life, I'm just missing that special someone. I've taken plenty of time away from dating to gain some clarity and sort things out moving forward. I have often dated domineering women throughout my adult life, but it is now very clear that ultimately I need even more than what I've found. I suppose I have always known, but have plenty of life experience reaffirming this.

I don't need or want someone to financially or otherwise take care of me, I can already do this myself. And I am far from a pushover - I have thoughts, opinions, and a backbone. I get along in life just fine. But for the right woman, I am fully prepared to make a lasting commitment and give her sole control over everything in my world such that she can direct our lives together as she sees fit without my interference. If this is you, write me. You will not scare me off, no matter how extreme or demanding you are - there is quite honestly no limit to what I'll cede to the right woman. Should the chemistry be right, I will not hesitate to commit even to a woman other men would find a nightmare.

I get that this is probably not what most women want, but I firmly believe that my match is out there. Age and looks are far less important to me than who you are, and of course chemistry.

More about me. I love mountain biking, Arizona was kind of a Mecca for that. I'm not totally sure where to go around here but can't wait to explore. At least I won't have to worry about pulling cactus spines out of my butt anymore, but I will miss dodging rattlesnakes.

I read voraciously. I cut off my cable about a year ago and don't plan on getting it here. It was honestly the best thing I've ever done - I can now go back and read all the books I pretended to read in high-school and college. Okay, I do miss football and hockey (are Redskins and Capitals fans safe in Philly?). Love to read non-fiction and heavy historical fiction. Grapes of Wrath, Making of the Atomic Bomb, A Fine Balance, Sophie's Choice, LOTR, Gulag Archapeligo are a few faves.

I love wine, though I'm kind of new to it. Have been to Bordeaux and the Barossa in Australia. Am not a wine ponce - just love to try new wines. I like to cook, though I'm not awfully good at it at the moment. You'd expect after years working in a lab, which is essentially cooking, I'd be better at it?

I never really minded 115 degree days, it's the East Coast 95 degree summer days that are truly miserable. And I forgot about the cold - I came to Philly never having shopped for anything warm for 6 years.

I have random taste in music - metal, reggae, classical (Mozart & Beethoven esp), Yo Gabba Gabba!, and am willing to listen to anything new.

I love smart women. And I don't confuse educated with smart, there is a difference and the two don't always go together.

Other Random Likes and Dislikes:
Italian Food > Japanese > Everything Else >>> Indian Food
Redskins > Eagles (LOL)
Capitals > Flyers (pretty clear, isn't it?)
Biology > Physics

Anyhow, I'm completely totally serious about what I've written. If you have genuine interest, please say hi, even if I've already browsed you.

A New Time and Place for Coffee

2010-05-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, we have officially moved! It's been over a month again, since I've written, but moving is enough of an excuse to warrant that :)
Today I sit in my new coffee shop - Baltimore Coffee and Tea Company.....ahhhh, surrounded by thousands, or, perhaps, millions of coffee beans, I endeavor to stay focused on my studying for my quickly approaching comp on Body and Physical Difference.
This BCTC has already served as the site for a first date - another that does not warrant a second date. SSDD people. I am beginning to think God is having a lot of fun sending me all the men in the world who have bad teeth and put misleading pictures of themselves on their profiles. :) But, no major investment, no frustration, when all is said and done.
This coffee shop has seemed to be one that is fairly quiet, not quite as noisy and chaotic as the Caribou I used to frequent. Quiet in the sense that people respect each others' work space so are not ridiculously loud on cell phones or Skype conversations with their internet brides. ;)
However, there are still the "Outlet Hogs" that frequent almost every coffee shop. I am sitting next to one today. I asked him nicely if he would be needing both plugs the entire time (considering the fact that one of his plugs was for his IPhone. And, if you have an IPhone you know that you can plug it directly into your laptop in the jumpdrive to charge it. It does not require the actual wall-socket outlet in order to charge.) He got a little incensed and removed his IPhone plug, so now I can plug in. But, really........common sense people, common sense.
New Apartment is great! Neighbors are GREAT! We have Mary Claire upstairs who introduced herself to my dad and I by saying,
"Hi, honey, I may not always have food in my cupboards but I always have wine and booze." My kind of neighbor!!!
And, she told Abby that if we have a party, we should let her know, she likes to party.
Let me clarify that Mary Claire is probably in her early 60s :)
We live below an international airline stewardess who is from New Zealand. She has also invited us for a bottle of wine :) a bottle, yes, not a glass.....
So, people have been really friendly - heck, anyone who wants to share their wine should be considered friendly, lol.
Wine in the Woods is coming up next weekend and I'm very much looking forward to that! An old friend from high school is coming down to visit and it should be a really good time....
BTW, in the time that has passed, I did have a minor accident which resulted in some new scar-work on my face. I figured it was time to get some scars on the left side to balance out the right :)
Thanks to the Cherry Blossom Festival and the guy who lifted the caution tape to push his stroller UNDER while I was in the process of stepping OVER it......I ended up with stitches and a lovely little scar on my chin which still has nerve damage and is not healing as well as I would like. A trip to the plastic surgeon may be in order here.
All in all, life is good. We have gotten away from Vagina Guy, the Domestic Abuse couple, and the case-a-weekend beer drinkers that live in our old building. OHHHHHHH, and we rescued a new stray kitty in the process. More on that later.

What is the current definition for the word "fit" in a 38 year old man's dictionary?

2010-03-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Would someone please define "fit" for me? I workout 4-5 times a week, cycling and with weights and when I prepare for a date with a man who calls himself "fit" and "active" I expect him to be "fit" and "active." Perhaps that definition has changed for men in their late 30s or early 40s?
Are men really that un-self-aware that they don't know when their paunch is starting to hang over the belt loops? Do they honestly see a ripped bicep when it's, uh, not? And, who ever told men that pecs that looks like breasts, even if they are solid-ish, are attractive?
A friend of mine theorizes that men are just not as self-aware as women are and that because it is okay for men to be "average" while it is not okay for women to be so (the average woman is now a size 14), that men don't really see the changes in themselves over time or don't recognize when they've put on enough weight that they should actually be buying a new pair of pants. Is this true?
My date last night would indicate that it is, unfortunately:

You know it's sad when, the moment you walk into the bar to meet your date, that you think, "Man, this is gonna' make a great blog entry!" Apparently, Joe hasn't gotten my memo on posting updated pictures of oneself on the profile....
Joe describes himself as "a runner, hiker, a fit and active guy who really likes being outdoors and has done triathlons, goes repelling....etc." His pictures all show him in his active lifestyle, with a body that looks to be in shape and "fit."
Perhaps Joe has forgotten what "fit" means or his definition of "fit" has changed, I can't be sure.
I walked into DuClaw at the Arundel Mills Mall (another indicator, but whatever), hoping that the guy I saw in the bar windows was not the guy I was there to meet, but when I texted and asked if he was there, he said he was in the bar. Great start!
The server was at our table and Joe was getting ready to order a drink without me - shouldn't you wait until your "date" joins you? Really? When the server turned around and walked towards me, the look on his face was priceless.....kinda' like, oh man, this is an online date and she is going to be disappointed, haha.
Joe is wearing what I shall refer to as a "Ravens"-purple t-shirt. It is not, thankfully, an actual Baltimore Ravens t-shirt, but it is the color purple that one would associate with the team. The sleeves are rolled in Fonzi or Chachi style to accentuate the "ripped, but not so ripped" muscles on the upper arm. His t-shirt is tucked into his jeans and about 15 minutes into the "date" I realize that he has about a 5-6 inch solid roll hanging over his waistband. Fit? Fit? Really? Fit? Why am I ever worried about my own body when I go on dates anymore? Seriously. I'm smokin' in comparison.....I might as well be a runway model.
Joe spends the date complaining about his past dates and about women in general. Hmmmmm. He even talks about the fact that he has had so many first dates on Plenty of Fish and he used to think that technology would make there be less single people in the world, but now he thinks it is the reverse.
He thinks it has made people more picky, especially women. He says that he thinks women have to be awed and wowed on a first date now in order to want to go out again and he doesn't understand why that is. He says that men don't need that. As long as you have a good time, then a second date is in order.
Well, Joe, I'd like to explain to you why you're not getting second dates. Perhaps the picture of yourself with a great body in a fitted t-shirt just isn't accurate anymore? Perhaps the work you had done on your teeth that has left your front tooth capped, discolored, slanted and slightly separated from all the rest of your teeth is so distracting that women can't actually look at you during a "date" because they feel like they'd stare at that poor little "misfit" tooth. Perhaps your choice of Happy Days style clothing adds to all of these problems?
Joe asked about what I had been reading that day, and like many people assumed that when I said "sexualities" that I meant sex. Trying to explain the difference to him was challenging and I still don't think that I succeeded. But, that, I could expect from many others, so not really a criticism, just an addition to the list of things that were problematic.
Joe was nice enough, don't get me wrong, but I thought I had made it pretty clear via body language (crossed arms, sitting with my hands in front of me in clasped prayer style at my face, eye-wandering to the televisions in the sports bar) that I wasn't really interested romantically. He had, after all, not ordered a second drink. I had, after all, asked the server for the check. :)
Then, Joe asks me for what I'm looking for in a relationship. Usually, I can steer men away by talking about how much I need someone who is flexible and can move with me anywhere because I don't know where I will get a job.
At this point, Joe starts selling himself as a candidate for that position. Talking about how flexible his job is, how much money is billed for him hourly, and how much money he could bill hourly for himself if he went independent. Really?
The evening ended (40 minutes, my second shortest date, YES!).
I got a text from Joe this morning telling me how nice it was to meet me and asking me if I had a good time. Not this again.........I feel like it's a repeat of the "professional baseball player" all over again......
I sent Joe a very nice email (approved by my co-worker who is much nicer than I am):
"Joe,
It was good to meet you.
While you seem like a really nice guy, I am not interested romantically.
To be honest, I would suggest that you update your photos on your PoF site or at least post clearer photos of yourself.
Best of luck,
H"

I think this was kind. There is so much more I could have said. I could have explained to him exactly why he wasn't getting second dates. I refrained.
Here is the response I got from Joe:
"You have issues hon but i still wish you luck. Certainly you will need it if you are going to find someone."

Now, those of you who know me know that my fingers are just itching and my tongue is just burning to post a response to that, but I am refraining. How easy it would be to shred him, how easy......
And that, after we had talked about how you can't take anything in online dating personally unless you're actually at the stage of steady dating and being in a relationship.

I have one more date this weekend, and I have emailed him asking him to please please please look like his pics......lmao.

Intellectual Elitist? Perhaps.......A Defense of the Desire to Date a Man with a Brain

2010-03-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

In my 10 plus years of on again, off again, online dating, I've encountered all kinds......my friends (fellow online daters) and I seem to have the habit of attributing nicknames to many of these "experiences." Nicknames that are not always flattering, but are definitely always apt. Just a few from the collection:

1. Needs a Dictionary Guy (my favorite J------- story, always good for a laugh with friends who are also intellectual elitists)

2. Gold Chain and Black Lame Guy (that's luh-may, not lame.....yes, and I think the name explains itself, however the story will be forthcoming, since it's K------'s favorite story of all time)

3. Beef (this one comes from K------ in NYC and I would have loved to have seen him in person)

4. Red-Neck, Triangle-tooth Fisherman Guy (my personal favorite, this was my record all-time shortest date at a Starbucks in Tallahassee, FL)

5. Big Fat Liar Guy (a man whose pics were definitely from 20 years ago, who looked more my father's age than my own)

6. The Perv (a recent winner who seemed to be able to make every comment whether spoken or written and say something dirty or disgusting, no matter how many times I asked him not to)

7. TMI Guy (a guy who shared his Urinary Tract Infection Information in our 3rd phone call, thanks but no thanks)

8. White Jean Shorts Guy (yes, a man actually showed up for a date in straight leg white jean shorts, Tallahassee again, need I say more?)

9. The Magician (my favorite guy from EHarmony who actually was a good match but lived too far away and his job was actually motivational speaking using magic for corporate venues)

10. Tattoo Guy (my most recent foray into online dating brought me head to head with a guy who actually HATES tattoos and was apparently so repulsed by my bracelet that he decided he could never date me. That story too, in another episode).

Shall we begin with "Needs a Dictionary Guy?" He is the primary reason that I began to reevaluate my own need to be with a man who is either my intellectual equal or strives to be culturally, socially, and politically aware in his own areas of expertise.

I don't think it's too much to ask that a man have a basic vocabulary at his disposal....

J------ went on a date perhaps a year and a half ago, and I vividly remember the phone call that followed. She called almost directly after returning home.

Dinner at a chain-y type Bennigan's, Friday's, Chili's place....

Small talk ensued and as part of the conversation her date says,

"Hey, I guess my shirt kind of matches the decor in here"

Jocelyn responds,

"Yes, how thematic of you"

His response,

"Huh?"

She has to explain what the word "thematic" means.........

Now, some might think we're being a little judgmental here, but I say, if a man doesn't know what the word "thematic" means, I don't think I can date him. I don't think I can respect him intellectually.

If you don't know what "thematic" means, are you going to be versed in what is going on politically in our world? are you going to understand the significance of current debates over health care? are you going to care about these things at all? If the answer to any of these is "No" then I could never date you.

I'm not asking for a political analyst or a health care guru or even someone who is as fervent about any of these issues as I am, but I do want someone who can understand and discuss the issues, even if we don't agree.

So, if I sound like an intellectual elitist, then so be it. I want someone well-read, aware, and who has an educated opinion on the matters of our world. If it's too much to ask, then I'd rather stay single

Top 10 Reasons to Move ASAP

2010-02-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

I'd like to provide you with 10 reasons, but I strongly believe that you will settle for 2 reasons, once you read through today's blog:

Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, and so on and so on, and so on...

The East Coast has been obliterated by snow 3 times this season, so far. By far two weeks ago was the worst, with one storm amounting to 38 inches of snow. This wouldn't have been too bad, considering the fact that I had stocked up at the grocery store (although all the meat was gone by the time I got there, a wholenother discussion).

That weekend, I spent Saturday evening and Sunday morning shoveling my little Cabrio out not one, or two, but three times, thanks to the plows and my "kind" neighbors who saw fit to shovel me in in order to shovel themselves out.

This weekend, our new neighbor "Joe" happened to be moving in. His U-Haul stuck on the street, full, because of the on-coming snow the day of his arrival with his girlfriend. Yes, Joe has a girlfriend. This girlfriend has two children from a previous relationship and works at a law office. All of this was found out throughout the weekend.

My first experience with Joe was Saturday evening when Joe, along with all the other men who were out shoveling, failed to even express a chivalrous sentiment by even attempting to help me shovel my car out. He chatted with "Bob" who lives downstairs. Big-truck owning Bob, who throws out at least a case of empty beer bottles/cans every weekend. This amicable chatting takes place loud enough for me to be "assumed" to be part of the conversation by Joe and Bob.

Joe discusses all the cash he's "dropped" into his vehicles over the years, with speakers, radios, and other technology - thousands and thousands of dollars. After a long conversation about money money and more money,

Joe asks, "Hey, do you know where I can find a job. I need a job." I think to myself, you just moved in here and you don't have a job? Hmmmmm. But, nonetheless, I try to be a kindly neighbor. Here is the conversation that followed:

Me: The Census Bureau is hiring.

Joe: What?

Me: The Census Bureau is hiring.

Joe: No, I mean, what's that?

Me: (almost laughing) Are you serious, you don't know what the census bureau is?

Joe: No, what the f%$# is that?

Me: You know, the census....

Joe: No.

Me: (just about to say the word demographic, but catching myself realizing that he will probably not know what this means either) You know, population counting?

Joe: What the f%$#, you mean I have to go count people?

Me: It's a door to door survey job. It pays $16.50 an hour.

Joe: (lighting up his 5th cigarette in the last hour) Does it require you to have a high school diploma?

Me: Uhhhhh, I don't know.

Joe: You know, because I'm a preacher's kid so......

Me: (truly confused) How do those two things connect? Preacher's kid and high school drop-out?

Joe: You know, I was tired of that s%$#, and tired of all the Christian crap, so....

Me: Oh, I wasn't aware those things were connected though. I know a lot of preacher's kids who were rebellious but still graduated high school.

Joe: I don't know, f%$# that....I just need me a job. Dude, I gotta get some booze and s%$# for the Super Bowl tomorrow....how the f%$# am I gonna get out there.....

Thus, my conversation with "Joe" ends and I continue to shovel myself out without anyone's assistance.

The following morning, Sunday, the Super Bowl, I come outside to "Joe" blaring his Seattle Heavy Metal Music, "S%$# that no one even knows about, this s%$# is awesome." Meanwhile, the "music" lyrics are nothing by "Die Motherf%$#er" or "You can _____ my d%$#" and so on and so forth. Cigarette smoke abounds and I, of course, am still parked next to Joe in the lot. Joy.

Today, I don't even feel the need to be nice. Today, I just shovel and hunker down. A kind neighbor had loaned me a shovel. When I finished, I walked over to the group of residents who were standing around talking and planning Super Bowl festivities. I hand the shovel back to my neighbor and thank her for its loan.

"Joe" is still complaining about getting booze for the Super Bowl today. I suggested he walk across the street, as the liguor store is not that far. Here is the following conversation:

Joe: F%$# that! I'm not walking in this s%$#.

Me: Then why not drive over there. You're dug out and the roads should be fine for your Jeep.

Joe: Oh, The Vagina won't let me.

I'm not sure what my face looked like at that moment. But, it got very quiet in the parking lot. Joe's girlfriend who was standing in the group didn't bat an eyelid, didn't say anything, didn't do anything. I was in shock.

For real? For real? If any many ever thought he could call me "The Vagina" he would wake up without the matching parts to that vagina!

Unbelievable. I believe this story alone should get me somewhere with the management when I negotiate our lease this week.

If not, how about the 911 call that my roommate had to make last Thursday evening when a man in Apt 14 was beating the crap out of his girlfriend? Or, perhaps the legal eviction notices on Apt 21 that showed up after the tenants skipped out on rent and moved everything out late at night?

Stay tuned, for more dating stories. This saga just seemed to good not to share.

My Evening with the Aspiring Pete Rose and the Altoona Crew

2010-01-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

Online dating is like the prize in the Cracker Jack box......you're never quite sure what you're going to get and most of them are just disappointing and pretty useless.

Last night was no exception. As a general rule, I now refuse to waste my time with weeks of endless chitter chatter online, creating a fictitious version of the "man" that I am going to date before I have given him "face time." This only reinforces unrealistic expectations and causes more excruciating disappointments when the inevitable happens.

Now, I'm not saying that every date is bad or painful.....some are tolerable.

Today begins a period of time in my blog in which I will focus on online dating, highs and lows, dos and don'ts, pros and cons. Today, I begin with the mediocre date.....the one that makes you feel bad about never calling back or finally having to write that very clear email stating that you felt nothing or see no future.

Last night I met up with "R" at a sports bar near my house. Mind you, I had never been there before, and neither had he. In retrospect, not a good idea. And in further retrospect, I should have known when the "bar" had no website that it might be a less than stellar location to meet up. However, it was his suggestion, and I trusted that he had done his "leg-work" in finding out about the place. Not so.

I arrived at the AASB a little before 8pm and was immediately thankful that I had worn nothing more than jeans and a t-shirt and a jacket. I stood out. I stood out not only because I was about 15 years younger than most of the patrons, but because my hair was actually combed and I looked like I had actually bathed in the last 3 days.

I stood out because when I smiled at the female bartender, I had all of my teeth with which to do so. I stood out because I was not counting my change in my pockets to see if I could have "just one more beer."

In the dark lighting of the bar (and that's all it was, a bar, no food to speak of, unless one considers the snack bags of chips, peanuts and cheese crackers displayed behind the bar for sale as food to be consumed on a date), I sat on my stool patiently waiting for "R."

Now, this is not to say that I haven't been to bars of this type before, but I'm pretty sure that was in the late 1990s and I was a college student or early 20something with little money and lots of friends to hang out with, which kept the rest of the atmosphere from being less than desirable.

I have also encountered these bars in parts of Pennsylvania where I have relatives who frequent these types of establishments, drinking heavily, smoking, and playing pool. While I am not averse to pool, a table that actually has all of its legs and is not propped up by cinderblocks is preferable, and pool sticks that are not gnawed on the edges would be nice.

Is it too much to ask that I don't have beer seeping into the sleeve of my shirt when I bend over to take a shot?

I had suggested Bonefish to meet for a drink at the bar.....and should have known when he chose otherwise that it might not be an ideal situation.

"R" eventually arrives after he bi-passes the location -which should not be surprising since it has no official sign that is visible and is in a building that looks like it belongs to the auto garage next door.

"R" had described himself as the owner of a landscaping company, a former restaurant owner, and a semi-pro baseball player. One would wonder then why "R" is so out of shape, looks like he is about49 instead of 39 and drinks Coors Light. Nitpicky you say? Forgive me then, a clearer explanation may be in order......

"R" is wearing the short sleeved dress shirt that is at least a size too big, tucked into overly washed and fagged out jeans that are at least 2 sizes too big, belted with a belt that is so tight his stomach paunch is hanging over the waistband and belt struggling to get out of his shirt, which is missing buttons.

His hair, while thinning, is also teased for fullness, sticking out in unnatural directions, and he looks like one who has had a particularly rough life, or who had been up all night drinking beer and chain smoking cigarettes, blood shot eyes and all. My father used to say that people looked like they had been "ridden hard and put up wet" and I would say that's a fair description of "R."

Glad to see "R" enter however, as I had been forced into conversing with Three Tooth Tim for more than 15 minutes after he continually poked me from behind at the bar and insisted that I needed company, I immediately began to consume my beer much faster than I ever would.

Feeling badly, however, that he had driven 30-35 minutes to meet up near my place of residence, I felt that a 30-45 minute date would be inappropriate. I stuck it out for about an hour and a half, conversing about meaningless topics (animals, beer, construction - oh yes, ladies construction talk, so exciting, semi-pro baseball and the ways in which he watches baseball differently because he's a player).

While "R" professed his lack of commonality with those around us, I couldn't help but feel that he would feel right at home at AASB. His teeth, which were a little jagged and well spaced-out, were only part of what provides the foundation for my assumption (and teeth are very important to me, perhaps more important than anything else).

The evening ended and I did the "walk out the door while keeping great distances between the two of you thing," hopefully making it clear that I was not all the interested romantically.

But, alas, today I get the infamous email....."I had a great time. You are so fun to hang out with. I really look forward to seeing you again.....let me know when you're available" and I had to send the inevitable...."It was nice to finally meet you. To be honest, I don't believe that we are romantically suited for one another. Best of luck" email in response.

These are the moments that I feel bad. "R" had not done anything particularly wrong, except to present himself as a man who is in better shape than he is and to have pictures on his profile that are misleading and obviously not as representative as they should be. But, he's a nice enough guy, even if he does wear the short sleeved dress shirts that my father wears...

Lessons to Learn for Women:

1. Always ask for more pictures than what they have posted online (once you get to contact stage). Be firm about it and don't accept a no. This could save you a lot of time and energy.

2. Lesson 1 will also mean that you do not go on a date with a man who doesn't have a picture of himself smiling. There is usually a reason for that (he's an angry bitter type, he doesn't have much personality, or most likely, bad teeth).

3. Never assume a man who is an athlete is actually in shape.

4. Never go somewhere where neither of you have ever been.

5. Never go somewhere that doesn't have a website. You are good enough to deserve a web-site worthy restaurant or bar/tav.

6. When you arrive at the AASB and see the clientele, just leave, you know the date is not going to bode well at that point (this might be questionable based on your ethics)

Lessons to Learn for Men:

1. Post pictures of yourself that are clear and close up, so that women can really see what you look like. Your pictures with your dog are great, but not if the dog's snout is in your face and we can't see you.

2. Post pictures with a smile. Be honest about who you are. And, perhaps if you don't have smiley pictures, get the teeth looked at in order to get some smiley pictures.

3. Don't ask a woman out and have no idea where the place is that you're going or what kind of place it is. No one wants to go somewhere that is out of their comfort zone on a first date.

4. Wear clothing that fits. Baggy clothes don't hide, they only make you look worse.

5. Shave before you come on a date and get a good night's sleep. Make a good impression.

6. When you walk into your place of choice and it seems to be a less than stellar locale, don't expect your date to be there.

Test, one two, Test, Test, Test.......

2009-08-06T05:17:00.000-07:00

A Twitter feed Test.

At the risk of another rant about SYTYCD

2009-08-05T18:06:00.001-07:00

Tonight i have decided to blog as I go along........watching So You Think You Can Dance Finale show. I was really hoping that this year's finale would be different. But, I'm afraid things are quite the same.........

Pausing at this point to watch the two girls dance together, and then I will provide my reactions to both homosex pairings........

Ahhhh, Mia Michaels - I love you. Your work is inspiring, moving, passionate, and it always makes me feel.....something. However, yes, however.

The two homosex (same sex paired) pieces tonight are, yet again, following the same pattern of gender stereotypes that almost every other season of SYTYCD has followed (the exception here being Travis and Benji, which is an entirely different blog entry). The "boys" compete in a testosterone driven competitive dance that inevitably pits them against one another while the "girls" once again are part of a dance that either celebrates "femininity" or demonstrates a comforting/supportive relationship among women.

Neil and Danny in the Throne Dance
Joshua and Twitch in the Russian Dance
compared to
Sabra and Lacey in The Foxes (weirdness)
Katee and Courtney in Clang Clang Clang Went the Trolley

The dances themselves are enough to demonstrate my point (you can find them all on YouTube). But, especially poignant are the "pre-dance rehearsal moments" when the choreographer and the dancers talk about the dances themselves - referring to the male dance as a testosterone-fest or as gritty, masculine, etc......while the female dance is commented on as "girly" and "feminine" or "soft" and "emotional."

This year is no exception - the women make an emotional journey together, not battling against one another to make their way in the world, but dancing along side one another. While the men once again battle and compete against each other (their own words) to Janet Jackson's "Nasty Boys."

Please don't interpret my critique as a desire to see these two women "duking it out" on stage. But, I wonder why this show, so innovative and so culturally aware, is still buying into the gender stereotypes that can keep dance so stagnant in today's world.

I ask again (as I have in papers and conversations of the past).....and perhaps more specifically....why couldn't the boys have danced the Mia Michaels number and the girls dance Laurieann's choreography?

One other problem I would like to address is the unfair advantage it seems to me has been given to Brandon this evening within the homosex pairing......why hasn't he ever been "forced" to dance in Evan's style? Why is Evan always having to work out of his comfort zone when competing against the other dancers, especially male dancers, but Brandon hasn't been asked to dance in the smooth, sauve, and debonair dance style of Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire? I would like to see Brandon stand out in the same way on the stage, paired against Evan in this style of dance. Instead we see Evan placed in a "Nasty Boys" situation where the judges continue to point out his inability to be "nasty" over and over and over and over again......why would you do that to a dancer in the finale?

It also does not help when Nigel and Mary discuss Evan in an infantilizing manner, pointing out his "choochee face" (reminding me of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang). How can one expect him to excel in this competition when he is constantly being treated like a child. My point is especially made as Nigel make his comments about Evan's solo (as I am typing). I feel like I'm watching an episode of Al Alberts Showcase (a nod to those from the Philadelphia area).

But, Evan's fans will persist. As is evidenced in the current audience reaction to his line dancing number with Kayla. Reacting in response to negative critiques, once again, from the judges.

This season would also be remiss if it didn't continue to feed into the sexual inuendo and commentary provided by not only Nigel, but Cat Deely, as well. Tonight "takes the cake" in many ways......first, shockingly, Adam Shankman comments about Jeanine's body, and then Nigel discusses his disappointment that Mia Michael's "layer-shedding" dance didn't go on long enough for him. I would have to go back and look at the show clips to point out the hundreds of inappropriate comments that have been made throughout this season......I thought comments in season 2 about Danyelle's "size" were bold, but it seems to have gotten worse season after season. I was especially shocked the week that Mia Michaels went on her diatribe about Kayla being the epitomy of "girl," continuing to feed into that sense of what a real "girl" should or should not be. If we simply looked at the women's costumes to decide what a "girl" should be one would have to think that her goal in life should be to be sexy, half-dressed, and sparkly :)

I also have a suggestion for the show's producers:
Why not bring homosex pairings into the competition earlier on in the season? If you can do it in the finale, why can't it be done throughout the season? Any dance style that is not traditional ballroom could surely be done in homosex pairs instead of heterosexual pairings.....even some of the ballroom dances could feasibly be done this way.

Also, I question the fact that voting is always done to eliminate one "boy" and one "girl" each week. Are we really keeping America's favorites or the best dancers by voting that way? Why couldn't two boys be eliminated if they are the ones with the lowest votes overall? Why should a girl who has more votes be sent home? I think the last two seasons have really demonstrated the fact that good dancers are going home before their time for this reason alone. It also makes me wonder why last year a new prize was instituted, so there would be a top "boy" and a top "girl." Isn't there just America's Favorite Dancer, regardless of gender? Continuing to reward the top person in each category does not make sense if the two females are actually the top-two vote-getters! Does it?

Now, I must say that I love So You Think You Can Dance. I will not stop watching this show. I will always love the dancing on this show. I just wish that they would recognize their continued reliance on gender norms AND heteronormative relationships in order to "sell" their message. Some of the most amazing pieces have been, admittedly, heterosex pairings. But, some of my favorite dances have also been the group numbers where gender didn't seem to make a difference. Or heterosex pairings that did not rely on heteronormative relationships (like Sara and Jesus' vaudeville-style number with the newspaper rattlings) or Neil and Lacey's Mia Michael's routine with all of the flowers on the floor.

I have written a paper and presented at conferences on this topic, and I hope that those who were present are seeing the repeat in certain trends once again this season.

An Amazing Paso Doble between Brandon and Jeanine finishes off the evening - truly stunning and absolutely well-danced. These two are the two top contenders for this season's winning position. Their solos were beyond amazing......Jeanine's especially controlled and stunning. And of course Nigel has to ruin it with another sexual inuendo ("I wanted to do it to her too?????").

I would like to go on record as saying that I believe Jeanine will win because Evan will be successful in capturing enough of the female votes to keep Brandon from winning entirely. Ia lso believe that she should win, as she is My Favorite Dancer, and has been from the start :)

Until we meet again for Season Six this Fall.

Hail, Hail, The Gang's All Here!

2009-05-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

Back at the Caribou today, writing my final papers for the semester. Not surprised to see the regulars, as well. Yes, Skype-guy is here and today "Mr. I Work From the Coffee Shop and Have to Tell Everyone About It" is here today, as well. No German couple, and no veterinary friend :( While I sit and ponder readings about FGM, FGS, veiling, feminist nationalism, and global health issues that concern women, I am distracted by my recent irritating experiences in dating.
After two recent conversations with female colleagues and friends, I have come to the conclusion that the only way men are ever successful at dating is because women keep compromising themselves. Considering the fact that my colleagues are Women's Studies scholars and graduate students who write about women's issues, I thought that I would find solace in their words of wisdom regarding the topic. Unfortunately, some are as frustrated as I am, while others appear to be making excuses for men's behavior....still.
Point in case.....I have a date with a man (fix up orchestrated by a colleague) and the date goes very well. We both give positive feedback to our friend and I expect a timely response to my "follow up" email. Granted, he is traveling to a conference for the weekend and we are both in grad school doing classwork and preparing for finals, but I don't think an email is too much to ask, a text even? 5 days pass, and I finally receive an email that provides the obligatory apology for taking so long to get back to me and then procedes to itemize all of the things that he has on his plate right now - as if I don't have just as much going on! I respond, telling him I understand his busy schedule and enumerating my own "busy schedule" at this time of year. I am heading to NYC for the weekend and suggest making plans for the following week, as something definite is easy to plan my "work" schedule around, rather than leaving it up to the "let's see where the week takes us" perspective. I get no response. None. Meanwhile, I hear from my colleague that he keeps talking about getting back to me, but fails to ever do so. (Another pertinent piece of information here is that this man has also complained to my friend that he does a follow up email and fails to get a response from women and it irritates him). She is irked also, but cannot really say anything to him, and I understand that. After a follow up text wishing him a good week, and his "yeh, things are crazy" I have refused any more contact. Yesterday, I ran into him in my friend's office as we were headed to our final exam. I did acknowledge him and said hi when I walked in, but he had earphones on, listening to who knows what. His behavior was bizarre, if not outright assuming. He took off his earphones and acted as if he would naturally be included in our conversation, which we both were perplexed about. I will laugh if this incident propels him towards a 2-week later response, and I will not respond when and if it comes. Call me "bitchy" or difficult, but I am tired of the waiting game. If you're interested you should respond in a timely fashion. If you're not, then don't respond at all and leave me alone.
My second beef at this stage in the game is the man in the on-line dating circuit who feels the need to send nasty emails to women that have not "viewed" him nor contacted him in any manner. I'm tired of emails that tell me that men don't like strong women. I'm tired of emails that tell me I'm uptight. I'm tired of emails that assume things about me that someone could not and would not know if I've never even had contact with them. My most recent unwanted email came through a Christian dating site where I can now only assume the "traditional male" lay in wait for the woman who is going to fulfill all of his needs and desires and be at his beck and call. My profile expresses a desire for a man who can hold his own in an intellectual converastion and a man who has strong beliefs and is going to stand behind those beliefs "no mealy-mouthed man for me" is my follow up phrasing. I get an email that says simply, "Behind every mealy-mouthed man is a domineering woman. Just an observation." What kind of email is that to send to someone that has had no contact with you? What gives you the right to even send that email? What gives you the right to judge me via 3 photos and 7 short answer questions? Because the site would not let me use the word "asshole" in my response, I had to tone it down and simply call him a "jerk." It is at this point that I have decided that once the memberships are up, I am done with the online crap. While I have had some luck in the past, it is proving to be a feeding ground for men who feel the need to take their own anger and inadequacy out on women that they don't even know.

Public and Private

2009-04-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

After many discussions of the separation of the public and the private in classes this year, today I am forced to wonder whether the "average" American even conceives of a difference between the two. Case in point:
This morning I am at the Caribou, ready to embark on the "journey of triage-reading" for classes this week. The usual suspects are here - my veterinary school friend who is here as often as I am, the German-born Conservative Republican couple who are always engaged in some kind of Rightist conversation with those around them, the Caribou worker who drives me to feel the need to drink, and, my personal favorite, the older gentleman who invariably feels the need to come to a very public coffee shop to have very private conversations with his family on Skype. Today, however, was a brand new day in "information sharing" at the coffee shop for this man - today he proceeded to have conversations that were so loud that he alienated 3 couples sitting nearby (including said German couple) to the point that they left the shop. My veterinarian friend, unfortunately, was at the table next to him and her earplugs (yes sometimes they are necessary) were unable to perform adequate duty today.
My personal favorite moment was when he told someone on the other end of his "conversation" that he wanted to show them something...yes, the infamous words. He then got up at his table and proceeded to detail the parts of his body, as he turned around, giving the other person a "show" on Skype of his newly acquired 40 pound thinner body....we were informed that he used to be 220 something and is now down to 186, and that he was, and I quote, "trying to be a good boy and eat better and be better." Further conversations, with children I assume, resulted in him making kissing sounds at his screen and blowing kisses to those on the opposite end of Skype.
Now, all of this may sound perfectly fine to some, but caused a lot of discomfort in a very public setting. Aren't these types of conversations generally private? Why would you come to a coffee shop to have this type of exchange? Somehow, I can't imagine myself getting up in the middle of a public space to declare my new "body" to someone on the other end of a video-conversation.
My veterinarian friend commented, "When he said 'I want to show you something' I was just hoping that his pants were staying on behind me." I, myself, was afraid to look in that direction after hearing him say this over and over again.....inevitably showing people his body over and over again in multiple "conversations."
So, I ask, what is public and what is private?

A List to Begin

2009-04-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been pondering the following:
1. The use of disability rhetoric in the Early Women's Movement - having just finished one paper on this topic, and moving to extend the argument into the "Second Wave" and the ramifications of the disability rhetoric, I've been reading about Margaret Sanger (very excited about her papers at the LoC), and the debates between the disability community and the feminist community regarding selective abortion and prenatal testing. Adrienne Asche will be at Temple University tomorrow speaking on the subject and I wish that I could be there.
2. How do my religious and academic beliefs align/disconnect? How much can I compromise? Why is feminism such a dirty word to Christian women? Why is it that single issues cause divides in a social movement but not a political party? (i.e. one can disagree with parts of a political platform and still call oneself a Republican, Democrat, etc...., but the single issues of abortion, divorce, and contraception can divide the Women's Movement, alienating two groups that are concerned about women's issues from one another). Why is it so difficult to find a Christian man who espouses liberal political philosophy? Will it always come down to the "submission" question?
3. How much of dating is really performance? Especially consider online dating as a performance of self. Why do people post pictures of themselves that are not truly representative, when they will eventually be found out in the first meeting? If they are willing to "lie" about things that are easily exposed, then how much more can you expect them to be dishonest in a relationship? Is it okay to walk out on a date if they have grossly misrepresented themselves?
4. After reading Charlotte Allen's blog: http://www.mindingthecampus.com/forum/2009/03/the_latest_pc_fad_disability_s.html
I felt the need to respond to her obvious lack of knowledge and due diligence in representing the scope of Disability Studies, as well as her misinterpretation of the theory behind the social construction of disability as opposed to the pathological and medical models. I did write a comment in response and am waiting to see if it gets posted. Reading "MindingtheCampus.com" should be an eye-opening to experience for many of us in the academic world. I have subscribed to the page, out of curiosity, to see what other nonsense will be posted in the future. I encourage you to do the same, and respond when you feel you must.
A p.s. - I just checked her blog and my comment is listed, as well as the comments of 2 others, so at least she is willing to post criticism of her work. Enjoy :)
5. Finally succumbing to my desire to blog (I've been avoiding it for more than a year now), I am hoping to find this process a good place to work out what I'm thinking and get feedback from others that I hope will help my future work.